This happens to be something that I feel a lot of people say to themselves when they think of having a relationship with God. You feel like you have to be good first, like you have to be doing good deeds everywhere and never sin and then God will accept you but the truth is, that's not how it is at all. That's NOT how God works. In fact God is not looking for good people, he is looking for honest people who will come as they are to him - broken, depressed, angry, sad, useless. That's what he wants. Jesus tells us in Matthew 9:12 that "Healthy people don't need a doctor - sick people do."

"What made me love Christ wasn’t that all of a sudden I started figuring out how to do life. What made me love Christ is that when I was at my worst, when I was at my lowest point, when I absolutely could not clean myself up and there was nothing anybody could do with me, right at that moment, Christ said, “I’ll take that one. That’s the one I want.”" - Matt Chandler. 

I am a living testimony to the quote above because that was exactly my situation. I was going through a very rough time in my life and at a young age also. It was not much to do with my circumstances, I was very blessed but my inner self was in misery and I did not know the cause of it. I became a very sad person, to the extent that even my closest friends did not want to be around me any more so all I had was myself, which I was not at all happy with also.

I was so desperate to feel some happiness that wouldn't just go away as soon as I was left by myself and with my own thoughts again. If you could look into my internet history as of that time, I can tell you my most often searched thing was probably "How to be happy". I did not know how to go about it, all I knew was I was sick of feeling the way I was. And when all else failed, I realised that my last resort was God.

I grew up in a Christian home but to be quite honest I never truly understood who God was or much about him. I knew the basics, I knew the stories I had learnt in church but I did not know who God was. I remember how my only prayer used to be "God please take away this sadness and make me happy again, please." And I found even that to be unsuccessful. This shattered me.

Until one day, I read somewhere that you should just talk to Jesus as you would if you were talking to a friend. So I remember coming home from a rough day in school one day, and sitting on my bed and I just poured my heart out to him. I told him about everything I went through in the day, and what troubled me and why I was upset and it further went to me just telling him all about how I felt and how I hated feeling the way I was and I just told him everything. Out loud. And this went on for a while, after school, whenever I was upset, I just learnt to start speaking to him and slowly, very gradually I began to find my general being improving and becoming happier. I don't know how it happened but I know that when I spoke, I knew someone was listening to me, I could feel it very strongly and so I found comfort in it.

I don't exactly remember when I genuinely gave my heart to Christ but I know the last time I did it, I meant it. I decided I was actually going to develop a relationship with God or I at least wanted to. I didn't know how to go about it so for a very long time, I just kept praying "God, please let me have a close relationship with you" but we are told in James 2:17 that "Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." This tells me that if I believe God will do something, I must take responsibility to do as much as I possibly can in regards to it as if it has already happened. I decided that I didn't want to worship God because of the want of Heaven or the fear of Hell but because He is God.

So I started praying more - praying just being talking to God. I went by the method of ACTS: Adoration (Praising God for who he is), Confession (Confessing my sins to Him and asking for forgiveness), Thanksgiving (Thanking God for what he has done for me) and Supplication (Asking God for things). The thing that I could really say that helped me in my walk with God was reading the Word of God, that is, The Bible. I started reading the New Testament and all about Jesus and I just got amazed at how much of a good man he was and how he never sin and how he loved us so much he died for us - although we did not deserve it, but because he is God he rose again. I was just blown away by his character and I didn't realise it but the more I read about Christ and prayed to him, the more my life started to change. My character became more like his and I am still in the process of it and I began to forget about problems and such and decided to focus on him and on him alone. But if I began to speak on that, it will be a whole blog post of its own.

My point is that, it doesn't matter who you are, what your status is, how deep in sin you think you are or how you just don't think you can do it, it's fine. Because Jesus has already done it for you. He's took on the weights so you don't have to carry them. He offers to take away your guilt, shame, addictions, helplessness, brokenness and heal you again. All he wants is for you to accept him. You can NEVER be too broken for God. He makes beautiful things out of broken pieces.